Dear Fangirl
by Queen Happo
Summary: These are letters from the Bleach guys to YOU, Miss Yaoi Fangirl. Shonen-ai.
1. Yumichika's Letter

Dear fangirl concerned about Ikkaku and I,

Once every other year I have a girl like you ask me if Ikkaku and I are together. The question is both silly and heart-breaking, but I've learned to ignore it. I reply with a simple "no" and the girl excuses herself.

It's not that I don't want to be with Ikkaku. I want to very much. But I am unsure of his sexuality, and despite our decades together we've never discussed it, neither have we had lovers. However, if he were interested, being the blunt man he is, he would have already acted out I figure. So it's no use.

There are times, like when we spar, that he gets me to forget about our status though. It's when we've both lost our swords, and end up wrestling. I don't even notice the dirt in my hair and on my clothes before it's over, but am completely occupied with the warmth his strong body produces. I don't let up the fight for even a second, but I love those dire moments when he uses all of his strength to pin me down to back, or to get me off of him. Good times, good times.

And it's not like we don't act like a couple sometimes. When we're out drinking, I always stay sober to make sure he gets home safely. I give him a piggy-back ride, or even lift him bridal-style when he's completely unconscious. And when I'm sick he calls in sick too, to give me company.

Although all of these times are wonderful, I wish that I could make him moan my name, and shiver with pleasure only I can give. I suppose his manly pride wouldn't allow it, but I want to change that. I want to be with him, to be _inside_ him, and never let go.

For now, we are merely best friends. Life partners, yes, but without shared kisses and sex. One day, I hope, when a girl from another division ask me of Ikkaku, I wish I can reply that we are a couple.

But for now, it's merely rambling from my part. The day where I confess is still far away. But maybe, sometime in the future, I can just walk up to him, tell him straight out that I want him to be _mine_, and kiss him. Thank you for your continued support.

Love,

Yumichika Ayasegawa


	2. Ikkaku's Letter

To the freak girl,

You're not the first to ask if me and Yumichika are together, and the question is getting annoying. Is it because he got long hair? Well, half of the captains do and you don't see them get accused of being gay!

Oh, right, they are.

Just because _you_ think that Yumichika looks like a girl doesn't mean he is one. He's not as manly as me, but he's damn strong. So what if he cares about appearance? Have you seen our captain? He spends more time in front of the mirror than Yumichika.

So anyway, just knock it off. Yumichika is my best friend, and I won't let you insult him, got that? My sword ain't just for show, and I swear you'll not get away with a little letter next time you ask.

So basically, Yumichika is not gay, and we're not together.

…

Okay, gotta admit, I might be gay. But that doesn't change shit about him. And I know he's not gay.

I know this because he's like an open book to me. We've known each other for years, and trust me, I know everything about him. And it's not like he's good at hiding things either. And he knows he can't keep secrets from me, so he tells me everything. And never has he said he's gay. I mean, I know he has sometimes commented on the looks of guys, but that's just how he is.

Okay, I just re-read what I wrote, and unfortunately I write in ink, so I can't erase it.

Anyway, I don't mean that it's an insult calling Yumichika gay. And it's not like you're the first one to ask, either. But it's insulting of you to think he'd be with _me_.

Oh, don't give me that look! I know that when you read this, you'll get all "awww, don't feel bad about yourself!" But I'm not. But I'm not Yumichika's type; even pretending he was gay I know that he'll only date pretty boys like himself. Don't giggle because I called him pretty!

But you get the message, right? Yumichika is not gay, I'm not Yumichika's type, we're not together. I know everything about him, remember, so I know this!

Though, if he _were_ gay, and I _was_ his type, I'd so let him do me.

From,

Ikkaku Madarame


	3. Yumichika's Second Letter

To the women concerned about Ikkaku and I,

This is a short update from my last letter. If you know the simplest facts about Ikkaku, you know that one is that he's an alcoholic. I, of course, am affected by this. I usually have a drink of two when he and the rest of the division do, so I supposed that in a sense you can say that alcohol is an addiction of mine as well. I am no drunkard, thank you very much, but I drink more than the usual Soul Reaper.

To the point. When celebrating the New Year, I had one too many drinks, like everyone else. Ikkaku and I more or less hugged in an ugly, drunken manner, like many male friends do. But, the fool I was, I took advantage of his (and mine) drunken state, French kissing him for almost a minute. The creepy (and wonderful) part was he didn't seem to mind.

Like I said, I was pretty damn sure Ikkaku was straight. Now I'm not so sure anymore. We haven't discussed this afterwards, so things are really weird. It's unsightly, but I cannot possibly confront him with this. What if he rejects me? Then what will I do?

I admit, I am confused right now. Very, very confused. Since you are all so supporting, what do you suppose I should do? Grateful for answers.

Happy New Years, and thank you for your continued support,

Yumichika Ayasegawa

PS. Just for your information (and pleasure), the kiss was no doubt a very beautiful moment. It was far beyond a drunken kiss. I long for another one. But how? DS.


	4. Ikkaku's Second Letter

To the weird-ass girls,

Damn, I've no idea on how to start this. I don't wanna come off like some loser, or some heartbroken girl. I'm not heartbroken, I just worded that weirdly! And I still write in ink, so I can't erase it. Crap.

So, anyway, some stuff happened after the other letter I wrote. Some pretty damn weird stuff.

Being drunk while celebrating the New Year, I… hugged Yumichika. I'm sure he thought it was like when other male friends hug, y'know all hard and shit. But to me, it was more like a loving hug, and he didn't seem to mind. I swear I saw him snickering!

So, anyway, that's not the odd part. But as I had my hand around him, he decided to kiss me! And I'm talking French kiss, tongue and all!

What should I do? Sure as hell not push him away, I mean he's one hell of a kisser. Made me think about how many others he had been with, but that's not important.

So now you all go "squeeee! I knew you were lovers! Squeeeee!" but stop it. Because as soon as he sobered up, he's avoided the topic. Not that I've been pushing it, but I can tell when he's avoiding something. I know everything about him, remember?

Damn this is weird. I thought that maybe he was really gay after all, or bi, or whatever. He couldn't have mistaken me for a girl, and if he did then I'd beat him up to a pulp! But I know him, and he didn't. I think.

But the problem is; it was only a drunken kiss. I've reached to a conclusion though, no worries. Since he snickered when I hugged him, he probably thought that "oh, let's mess with his mind a little". That's right, he just played with me. That's why he didn't address it later. Also, while being the braggart he is, he hasn't told anyone else of it either! Not that I have, but that's not my style. When Yumichika has done something new EVERYONE knows. And now, no one does. So something's up.

Fuck. He was just playing with me. But if I confront him with it, he'll know that I… you know. And then he'll think my lust for his sexy body (don't "squeeeee!" just because I used that word! I still write in ink, I CAN'T erase it! I need to think about what I write before I write it….)… where was I? Oh, right. I just rambled on, so I forgot. Don't go giggling now, or I won't write more!

Anyway, he'll think I'm ugly for lusting over him, that's for sure. And then we won't even be friends anymore, meaning I can't feel his body when we spar, or lean on him for support when he helps me home and I'm stoned. So I won't say anything. It's not a weakling's solution! It's a manly and secure way!

But I tell you, that was one hell of a kiss. At least I have wanking material now. Heh, should have thought about THAT, Yumichika, before toying with me.

From,

Ikkaku Madarame

PS. Just thought of this; if you have any ideas on how to confront him without confronting him, tell me! DS.


	5. Aizen's Letter

To whomever it concerns,

I am most pleased to be able to tell the truth to you all, finally. For a long time women, and some men, have asked of me about my subordinate Gin Ichimaru, and how deep my relationship with him goes.

I trust you know that I met Gin when he was nothing more than a child. Suggesting that I would in any way be involved with him _romantically_ would suggest me being a pedophile. I wonder if that is the way you view me? Hopefully not.

Loving anyone is also a way of _trusting_ someone. Trusting someone else leads to self-doubt and insecurity, which would make me less able to achieve my goals. Do I strike as the person to put anyone else before myself, or my goals?

Then we have the factor of _just sex_. That we are not romantically involved, but still indulge in each other's bodies. Before assuming this; do you think _Gin_ is the ideal lover for me? Does he strike with loyalty; or disloyalty for that matter? Is he the most willing; or unwilling, of my subordinates to be my partner in bed? Or the most attractive, for all that it's worth?

Too many questions are raised for such an assumption to be made, no? Or are you telling me that I am wrong? Of course you are not. I am correct.

Do not think of me as being mean to you now. I am still very grateful for your support, and your wish for me to succeed. But you need to face the reality, and understand that fanfiction and assumptions based on single panels are mostly _false_.

Now, after explaining on how your beliefs may be wrong, I feel that I can tell you the truth that I have willingly avoided. Gin is mine to use and please, and I plan on keeping it that way.

Thank you for your support,

Sousuke Aizen


	6. Gin's Letter

To my fangirls,

Why hello; Gin here. I'm here to tell you of my _relationship_ with my captain – oops, I mean _lord_, Sousuke Aizen.

These are the possibilities;

I'm his _bitch_. Really funny, this one. See, the captain – oops, he's _lord_ now, doesn't really need a bitch to feel good about himself. He uses a mirror for that, no kidding.

He's _my _bitch. This one is hilarious, and it's true! No, just kidding, it's false. Got you!

He's just my boss. Or captain. Or _lord_. Whatever. Now, this is very… false! Ooh, bet you're all excited now!

We're fuck buddies. Maybe from his side, how am I supposed to know, but not to me. Are you more excited now? Want me to go into details?

We're lovers. Well, like I said, this is how I like to see it. I'm not into getting used. I like to be the user, you know? It's hard when dealing with him, but I try.

Okay, I think that covers it. Now you know what I do with Captain… _lord _Aizen when no one is watching (I hope…). If you wonder why I call him Lord, it's some kind of kink of his I think. I know that he likes it when I say that in bed at least... He only calls me "Gin", though. Boring. Not that the sex is, _far_ from it, I promise (not that my promises mean much), but I would like some cool title too. The Arrancars call me "Commander Ichimaru". I like that. But it'd be weird if Captain/Lord Aizen said that in bed. I'm going to ask him to do that tonight! Let's pray I get lucky…

Now that I've cleared your thought about that, I bet you're wondering about Rangiku and Izuru. I'm quite popular, ain't I?

Rangiku and I were never lovers. We knew each other since we were kids, and I think we're friends nowadays, and we might have grown into lovers if I hadn't met Captain/Lord Aizen. But I did, and he pretty much decided I was his and no one else's. I like his possessiveness, but provoking it even more. That takes me to little Izuru.

I would probably have used his body too, wasn't it for Captain/Lord Aizen. I went pretty far though, with groping and flirting until Captain/Lord Aizen told me quite coldly that I was his. It was pretty fun, watching him get jealous. But since apparently I didn't listen, he took that pretty little Momo for lieutenant and used her. That got me pretty frustrated, as you can figure. He's such a hypocrite you know? It gets hard to deal with him at times. He always has the upper hand.

He made up for it though, when he stabbed her and said that I was the only one he had ever thought as his lieutenant. It's probably the most romantic thing he's done for me. Says something about our relationship, right?

Okay, I think I've told you enough. Hope you're all satisfied, my little fangirls. This was really funny to write, I might write more depending on if I feel like it!

Love,

Gin Ichimaru


	7. Ryuuken's Letter

To my fans,

Yes, I am gay with Isshin Kurosaki.

From,

Ryuuken Ishida


	8. Kira's Letter

To those who wish to read this,

Hello, Izuru Kira here. A lot of people, mostly women, have asked me what my relationship is with Captain, no, Former Captain Ichimaru. Even now, when he's gone, you people keep bringing him up. Do you have no idea how much that hurts?

Captain Ichimaru and I were lovers. There, I said it. He told me never to tell anyone, especially Captain Aizen, and even promised that he would never tell anyone else either. But he's not here now, so it doesn't matter. It's not like he can hurt me more than he already did, anyway.

Some time after we had become lovers he gave me some very important information that I swore I would never tell anyone. But, like I said, I have nothing to lose now. He told me that he was actually cheating with me, on Captain Aizen. Of course, I couldn't believe it; he was together with Captain Aizen? My heart just about broke then, but he told me lies about how he loved me and would never leave me...

Then he asked me the strangest thing ever. He asked me if I wanted to join them. I wonder if he ever asked Captain Aizen this. But he asked me.

At this time, I was very depressed, and I was very down. Not like nowadays, but I was really pathetic and in love with him. Of course I couldn't refuse. And then Captain Aizen "died".

I was sad for Momo's sake, of course, but even more so I was happy for mine and Captain Ichimaru's sake. It was an obstacle out of the way. I feel horrible for thinking that, but that's all in the past now.

Then, after doing as Captain Ichimaru instructed, he left with Captain Aizen. Just like that. Do you have any idea of how much it hurt?

So now you know. We used to be lovers, but now we're not. So leave me alone, I don't want to hear anything more about Captain Ichimaru. I am over him, stop reminding me.

I have a new lover now, in any case. He is much kinder and better than Captain Ichimaru. I hope Captain Ichimaru reads this, so that he can see that I am over him and that his mind tricks doesn't work anymore. And I want Captain Aizen to read this, so he knows Captain Ichimaru cheated on him. I am not scared.

This is all I have time to write. I have a date tonight with my lover. See that, Captain Ichimaru, I have a date! You can wander around in that white desert for all I care, and eat your stupid dried persimmon. Or maybe, you can't, because there probably are none in Hueco Mundo!

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been drinking with Matsumoto before writing. But she told me that I would feel more free. And it's true, I feel more free now. Free from that stupid sexy Captain at least.

Now I have to go, though. I don't want to keep Shuuhei waiting.

From,

Izuru Kira


	9. Byakuya's Letter

To the person who clearly does not understand who he/she is trying to blackmail,

I do not know how you found out, but let me assure you; that is irrelevant. You should have thought twice before trying to blackmail I, Byakuya Kuchiki.

I have over twenty specialists tracking you down at this very moment, and even more that I can use. It would be wise of you to cease your actions and questions immediately, if you know what is good for you. As a captain, and the head of the Kuchiki family, I have all the rights for cutting down those opposing me, such as yourself.

I send you this letter in hope that you will realize just who it is that you are blackmailing, which will immediately result in you giving up. There is simply no way that I would give in to your demands, whatever they may be.

So, before trying to blackmail me holding that information that you do, think again. I do not know who your source is, but rest assured, when I find out that unfortunate person will regret being a voyeur. This is because I will tell the other person involved as well, and I highly doubt anyone sane, or insane for that matter, would go up against Captain Zaraki. Drop it.

Yours truly,

Byakuya Kuchiki


	10. Kenpachi's Letter

To you guys,

I'm only writing this because it's getting old to be asked this all the time and I have little else to do. Yes, I fuck Byakuya Kuchiki in the ass. He'll probably be mad at me for saying that, but who cares? I don't see the point of keeping it a secret; it's not like we're the only captains who fuck. Whatever.

So that's all. Nothing more to say about it. We got drunk once and we fucked. Now he comes by when he gets horny and covers it up with complaining about Yachiru, as if NO ONE knows the truth. Even Yachiru knows. But then again, she knows everything that's happening around here. As long as she doesn't turn into some stupid gossiping valley girl I'm fine.

How long does this letter need to be, anyway? What else can I write about… The 11th division has had a really odd feel to it for the last month. Ikkaku and Yumichika have been avoiding each other since New Years, and won't even speak. Apparently/according to Yachiru they kissed, and instead of handling things like me and Byakuya they decide to flee like cowards. I should go speak to them or something. I'll do that after my sleep.

From,

Captain Kenpachi Zaraki


	11. Uryuu's Letter

To everyone,

I, Uryuu Ishida, have decided to write you this letter to clear up some misunderstandings and stop your juvenile behaviour.

One, I am not in love with Inoue-san. She is my friend, one of my best, but I am not in love with her. Please refrain from sprouting nonsense about her and I.

Two, I am not in love with Nemu-san. We barely even know each other and she is not my girlfriend. I would appreciate it if you would stop your so called "shipping".

Three, my love-life is none of your concerns. Understand that my love life is only my own concern, and not anyone else's, with the exception of the other person involved of course.

Four, I am homosexual so any cease your endless debate of which girl I should "end up" with. It is of irrelevant.

Five, just because I am homosexual does not mean I am in love with Kurosaki or Abarai. Not only are they shinigami, but I would never be with such low-IQ people.

Six, I can't believe I have to say this; I am NOT in love with Kurostuchi or Szayel Aporro. Who could possibly think that? So stop your childish "slashing" with me and some stupid shinigami or mad scientist.

On my pride as a Quincy, and on my pride as homosexual, I hereby swear that if I ever notice any of you so called "fangirls" "slash" or "ship" me with anyone besides Sado-kun I will put an arrow through your chest.

Written by,

Uryuu Ishida, Quincy


	12. Ikkaku's Last Letter

To you guys,

Things with Yumichika turned out differently than I thought. It's kind of frustrating, cause I was just gonna you know "confess" and all of that bullshit, when the Captain dragged me and Yumichika into his office. We haven't spoken for a while, like I said before, so things were kind of awkaward, awkvare... awkard. Awkward. How the hell do you spell that word anyway? Fucking ink pen…

Whatever, things were stupid. Then the Captain told us to either hook up or quit the 11th division. So now where a couple, or ship, or whatever you call it.

Yumichika's working on his letter too, and it was his idea I should write this. He better make it worth my while, because I don't like writing that much. Since we stopped talking, I've had to write all of my reports myself, and fuck it's annoying. But now he's back writing them again, so at least something good came out of it. Well, that and the sex. Though one thing bothers me like hell.

I dunno if I should tell you this or not… fuck, now you know I'm keeping something. Don't make assumptions! I have to get a new pen.

So the thing is… he's bigger than me. As in, his cock is bigger than mine. Not that much! Just a bit! He doesn't gloat about it, but every time he smirks at me when I strip, I mean; TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES, I know he's smug. He's always been a smug bastard. He has all reason to be, but still. I mean not THAT much reason, but some. Slight. Tiny. Insingnifikant… insignifikant… You know what I mean!

That's all I got. Nothing much has changed, except the sex. And the looks I keep getting… Stop giggling when Yumichika and me are next to each other! Stop it! Or you'll have to talk to the sword. Yumichika might like the attention, but I don't, so stop! And DON'T ask if you can film us; the answer is NO! And DON'T ask us to have a threesome with the Captain! We're not interested! So just STOP all of your everythings. Leave us be, this is all your fault anyway. Just be happy that we're together and stop giggling and giving us those looks.

Bye,

Ikkaku Madarame

_Note by Yumichika_: I found this letter in the trash can, but I found it hilarious, so I sent it anyway. I think he's working on a second "real" letter since he apparently is ashamed of this. He's so cute like that. And don't worry; I _will_ make it worth his while. You can also expect my letter soon.

Thank you for your support,

Yumichika Ayasegawa


End file.
